TOP 50 RESPONSES

  1. "Is it the smoke that bothers you, or the sight of someone enjoying himself?"
  2. (The Response Literal:) "Put out _this_ cigar? Seems kind of silly, but sure. Now wait a sec while I light another..."
  3. (The Response Coy:) "I'd love to, but I'm afraid you'd think I'm easy."
  4. (The Response Ingenuous:) "What a coincidence! You're the third person to ask me tha---oh, it's _you_ again."
  5. (The Response Juvenile:) "Who died and made you the Fun Patrol?"
  6. (The Response Existential:) "What does it matter?"
  7. (The Response Newlywed:) "Gosh, darling, our first fight. And just think, we'll be able to repeat it every time I light up."
  8. (The Response Recidivist:) "My parole officer says it steadies my nerves."
  9. (The Lie Direct:) "I'm not smoking."
  10. (The Lie Circimstantial:) "Were I smoking, your request, however rude, might be worthy of reply."
  11. (The Retort Courteous, to female jerk:) "My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, madam, posess two of these virtues."
  12. (The Countercheck Quarrelsome:) "If I do, sir, upon whom shall we blame the stink?" [Or madam.]
  13. (The Quip Modest, to female jerk:) "Madam, your advances are untimely and unexpected, but not unwelcome. Perhaps after I've finished this cigar."
  14. (The Reproof Valiant, to male jerk:) "Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar."
  15. (Among Yuppies:) "It depends. How much do you make?"
  16. (Among Trivial Pursuers:) "Wait! Don't tell me! `Put out that #(!&!$ cigar!' Bogey. _Casablanca_. 1943. And Ingrid Bergman replies, `Why do I only get that from guys who are lousy in bed?'"
  17. "No one said anything about my cigar when I was raising the flag on Iwo Jima." [Or liberating Kuwait City.]
  18. (Among Wassailers:) "No, and all God's blessings this holiday season."
  19. (The Charles Bronson:) "Any other last requests?"
  20. (The Emily Post:) "I've often wondered which is ruder: smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger?"
  21. (The Clint Eastwood:) "Think of me as a grenade. This cigar is my pin. I might be a dud of a grenade. Well, punk, do you feel lucky today? Is he a dud or a live grenade? Go ahead, pull my pin."
  22. (The Tom Paine:) "No, but I'll defend to the death your right to ask me."
  23. (The Randy Newman:) "Your growth is already stunted; don't worry about mine."
  24. "Let me know if there's anything _you_ enjoy. I'll come around and ask _you_ to stop."
  25. (At a singles bar:) "I can't. I'm researching a novel."
  26. (At a singles bar; Some Like It Haughty:) "What a great icebreaker! I applaud your moxie. If I were of your class, I would never dream of approaching someone like me."
  27. (At a singles bar; the Fool's Bluff:) "I'm an artist. My medium is smoke."
  28. (At a singles bar; the Cut Indirect:) "Doctors say people with sensitive noses are sexually repressed. Kiss me."
  29. (At a singles bar, for a female jerk:) "I'm sorry. I mistook you for a woman in her prime."
  30. (At a singles bar, for a male jerk:) "I'm sorry. I mistook you for a straight."
  31. "If I can't smoke near lowlife like you, where can I smoke?"
  32. (At a class reunion:) "Does the smoke bother your nose job?"
  33. (At the wheel:) "No problem. I don't need a cigar to keep me awake... not at night... zz-zz-zzzzzz..."
  34. (At a house party:) "I see our host invited all kinds."
  35. (At a barbecue:) "I'm just doing this to keep bugs away. Guess it isn't working."
  36. (At a wrestling match:) "Why? Is it interfering with your enjoyment of mindless violence?" [Also suitable for football, hockey, or most TV.]
  37. "If I do, what will it leave you to whine about?"
  38. (The Team Player's Move:) "I'd like to help you out. It's just that you caught me at a bad time---I'm smoking a cigar right now."
  39. (The Backhand Return:) "God, I admire people who aren't afraid to be disliked."
  40. (The Pensive Parry:) [pause to savor your cigar] "Every time I light up, somebody asks me that."
  41. (The Sympathy Play:) "Don't you know I only have a week to live? Who put you up to this?"
  42. (The Sicilian Gambit:) "Sure, I'll put it out. Vinnie --- remember that face."
  43. (The Appeal to Simple Justice:) "You're the third person to ask me that. And if I said yes now, it wouldn't be fair to the others."
  44. (The NRA Recoil:) "If cigars are outlawed, only outlaws will have cigars."
  45. (The Civil Servant Squelch:) "I'm only authorized to light 'em, not put 'em out. You need a GS-17. Besides, I'm on my lunch break."
  46. (The Diner's Club:) "Put out that food. I'm trying to smoke."
  47. (The Postprandial Cordial:) "Oops, I don't have an ashtray. Would you pass me your plate?"
  48. (The Sharp Salute:) "Yes, sir, Captain Bringdown. Sir!"
  49. "I'll bet you're looking forward to martial law."
  50. (When in Moscow; the Red Scare:) "Give me your name and the names of all who feel this way."

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